Today marks three years since my lovely Aunt Susan passed away. I thought about her a lot today because my sister visited me at school today while I was teaching. It reminded me of my Aunt Susan; she was so involved with all of our lives. She would have been the first one to send me a congratulatory text message when I got hired for my first teaching job. She would’ve known the names of all the kids I teach and love. She would’ve loved them too without even knowing them. That’s what she was like. I love thinking back to all the times she sent me cards for my birthday, hitting a home run in a baseball game, accomplishing something in school, etc. She celebrated everything. She loved people, and she’s remembered for how she loved. And how much she loved chocolate. She hid that stuff everywhere (and now I do the same in my classroom)!
The change from summer to fall is emotional for my whole family now, I’m sure. I remember the call I got that October morning that she had passed after a long fight with cancer. Like today, it seemed to be the first really chilly breeze of the fall. The first day when autumn really kicks in. New colors, flowers, cool breezes. It makes me think of my Aunt Susan now and still become very sad, which I’ve learned is okay. It has rocked and rattled my understanding of who God is. It has made me consider the man in the bible who ran to Jesus with his sick son to be healed, and knowing Jesus would perform a miracle and heal him still said, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). I feel like him sometimes, as I’ve prayed this thought often. I’ve seen enough suffering and hurt to think, “Really, God? Why?” And that’s fair. I’m guessing God welcomes it. Because if my prayer is, “Okay, God. I immediately see the good in this and feel better,” then I’d be lying. I’ve seen and trusted the goodness of God too, and knowing how much greater and freeing that is have still said, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief.” Sometimes it’s harder to believe when there’s pain and sadness, and in those honest spaces, growth happens. We see the good; we see the redemption. After all, the man in Mark 9 stared into the eyes of Jesus and admitted he didn’t always believe; he needed help to believe. I’m sure God loves when I approach Him like that.
Two years ago I wrote about my aunt passing after it had been one year, and I just read it for the first time today since posting it. It all still rings very true:
One year ago today, my beautiful Aunt Susan passed away from cancer. She had fought it for almost a year with admirable strength and resiliency. She spent part of last September in the hospital with excruciating headaches and pain all over her body from the cancer, before moving to a Hospice Center for several days and passing on October 1, 2012. She loved the fall season and she loved her two sons, Michael and Matthew. Matthew got to be by her side while she passed away on the first beautiful fall morning of the year. It was as if she was waiting for that time to say goodbye.
Aunt Susan was so caring and special to me. She would send me encouraging congratulatory letters all the time growing up, for just about anything. One time in a summer league baseball game after my sophomore year of high school, I hit my first home run in high school ball. Days later, I got a letter in the mail from her with a $25 Dairy Queen gift card in it. I just stumbled across the letter a few weeks ago when going through my closet at home and was reminded of how sweet and thoughtful she was. She loved us so much.
I have cried more in the last couple weeks about my Aunt’s passing than I did throughout the whole process last year. I am confused and hurt by it and I struggle to make sense of death. Dozens of times while praying I have found myself saying, “This is bullshit.” And I think the thing that has helped me the most has been realizing that God’s response has been, “You’re right.”
The visible pain that my Aunt went through was the worst thing I have seen in my entire life. It’s not fair. It’s not okay. It challenged my faith and belief in a caring, loving God to see such suffering. I wondered how He could be okay with it. And I’ve learned that He’s not. This is what has helped me see Him more clearly, and find out who He really is.
The God that I know and have fallen deeper in love with every day is about perfect, eternal Love- a Love-relationship that will carry on past this very brief time on earth. He is our ultimate Lover who hates our pain and shares with us in our times of suffering and sadness. I love that during a time of God’s life on earth, He cried with a group of people mourning the death of a relative. “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). It’s clear from earlier on in that same story that we are intended to live forever. “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26).
Not based on any of our good morals or deeds, and despite our flaws and wrongdoings, God welcomes us into His eternal family without any requirements from us. He loves and pursues us because that’s what He’s like. He is the definition of Love. He hates our pain and suffering, and conquered death for us. When we walk with Him we become citizens of the Home we were originally made for. “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body” (Philippians 3:20-21). I have come to realize that we are simply passing through here. “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away… I am making everything new!” (Revelation 21:4-5)… I can’t wait.
So beautiful. I love and miss you.
Chris Williams 